Where to Start

I just want to say thanks to those who left comments or otherwise encouraged me in this post. It was really awesome to hear from you and made me feel lots better for opening up. It felt like a burden had lifted after I published the post, so thank you :)

I had planned my next post on my journey to be one of progress. Of upliftment. Yeah... that's not going to happen. Not the way I'm feeling right now. I was going to make one looooong post to open up more about my self-esteem issues, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized there is way too much to talk about in one post. So I zeroed in on what I'm struggling with physically right now. 

On Friday I got a new hair cut. I was super excited- it's been almost eight months since my last hair cut, can you believe that?? It was looking straggly... yuck. Getting a hair cut (or even dying my hair) always makes me feel better. It's so fresh and fun! I decided to try bangs (again...) plus chop off a few inches and I was really excited to do it. My stylist did an awesome job and I was so happy we decided to go for them again. Then I came home. And it wasn't sitting with me as well. Over the weekend I got lots of compliments, but the more I looked at myself, the more I disliked what I was seeing. Why wasn't I happy with this anymore?? Why am I struggling all of a sudden? I don't know... it doesn't make sense.
When I got back from my hair cut, I got the mail on the way home because my new pair of glasses were in the mail. Again, so excited. My last pair of glasses broke a few months back, but I still had my pair before them that I have been wearing instead. My eyes are really bad so it was getting old having a not perfect prescription every day. I got home, got the glasses out, and tried them on... with my contacts in. So I couldn't get the best idea of what they looked like :) Later that night I finally got my contacts out and put the new glasses on... I didn't know what to think. Were they too big? I felt like they were. I had imagined them smaller and had purposely gotten this pair because of where I thought they'd hit me on my face. I texted the picture to my mom and sister and they loved them. Brad liked them (maybe he loves them... I haven't asked...). I figured it was a lot of change for one day and I just need to get used to them. I started to like them, and I have now concluded I don't like them. I think I look silly and like I'm trying to be something I'm not (and I'm not trying either!). Oh well. I'll have to save up again to get new glasses in another year or so. Or maybe I'll start liking them again.
Last and biggest reason for my issues right now and quite personal (of course)... 

Back story- When we lived in Utah, I worked at Victoria's Secret. I loved this job. It was so much fun and surprisingly educational. Oddly enough, working at the Provo store, we saw a lot of girls come in after their augmentation surgery to get no-wire bras for their recovery and get new bras for their new (aka bigger. though one time someone came in because she had her surgery to downsize. that was refreshing, i tell you what) size. Before this job, I won't lie, I had thought of getting augmentation surgery someday. News flash: I'm rather small chested, guys. Smaaaall. Seeing all these girls getting surgery and changing their bodies for who-knows-why really turned me off to the idea. Why should I change my body? Why should I put our hard-earned money towards my vanity and what the world tells me I should look like? What in the world was wrong with my size? So I have a small chest- who freakin' cares!! And my husband certainly did not care. Through several different experiences while working there, I still struggled with what I looked like. One day, I decided to own it. Be the girl who loves what I am and what I look like. Be a happy small chested girl and own it and rock it. And with that I found a new confidence I hadn't had before and truly loved that part of my body- something I had always struggled with, I finally conquered. Or so I thought.

With having babies, my body isn't the same. It's a blow to me every time I'm done nursing and I come back to my oh so tiny size chest. I'm convinced they are smaller than before having kids. Ouch. Something I had finally accepted being a part of me is now something I am struggling with even more than before. I can't even tell you the times this year I've broken down to my wonderful husband that I am not a woman enough for him. That there is no way he can be satisfied with my body and what I have to offer him. Though it isn't all about my chest size, it is a major part of it. Being the awesome husband he is, he always consoles me, telling me I am beautiful and that it truly doesn't matter, amongst other right things to say. He loves all of me. And yet, I just don't believe him. How can I believe him. I want to, but I have convinced myself he cannot be happy with how I physically look, especially that part of my body.

All of this weighed very heavy on me yesterday. I went out for a small errand today, and my mind was so scattered, I barely decided between the three places I could go. There was just this ugly feeling inside my chest I couldn't shake. Upon getting there, I wanted nothing more than to just turn around and leave, thinking being out was just a waste of my time. Then I remembered we were almost out of milk and it wasn't for naught. On the way home, it was almost too much and it felt like I was suffocating. I started to almost have a hysterical breakdown while driving. I quickly put on my sunglasses so drivers didn't think I was crazy and quickly swallowed the pain.

I have to tackle this. I have to. I am putting this on the top of my list, that if I fall through on every other goal, oh well. But I can't ignore this problem. This lack of self worth needs to stop. I'll be honest, I'm stumped. I don't know how to believe in myself and ignore what I've been telling myself for years. I am trying to up the ante on my spirituality, knowing that the closer I am to my Heavenly Father the better I'll be. Other steps need to happen, too. But where to begin? I don't know. I'll be figuring that out and hopefully have an answer soon.


  1. Well, even though your chest may be small at least the rest of you looks like a model! I've always wanted to be tall and thin but alas, I'm short and curvy, AND small chested. Oh well! I've come to terms with it. (Mostly. Lol) Hang in there. Hair grows back and you can wear your contacts when you go out if you really don't like your glasses. The people who love you most don't care what you look like.

  2. Just buy a new pair of glasses, those ones were fairly cheap. Have those as back ups. Or take them back. Does Zenni have a return policy? Find out. Your hair looks great. I think right now the bangs (to you) are in that awkward beginning stage, let them grow out a little and in a few weeks you'll be whistling a different tune. And, not that I don't like them, but next time I'm using this as evidence as why you shouldn't get them again.
    Thank you and goodnight.

  3. Reading this made me so sad because I have always thought you were absolutely beautiful. So what if your breasts are small? You have a fantastic looking body and most women try to kill themselves to look as good as you. Yeah, your body changed after having kids but you're not a little girl anymore. You are a woman and each imperfect little flaw that you might think you see, is just a reminder how incredibly lucky you are to have three beautiful sons. You found the girl who rocked her small chest before, you'll find her again. Maybe focus on all the positive things you've got going on. I've never met someone with such amazing eyes as you. Seriously, brown hair and huge blue eyes? Killer. And like I said, women literally kill themselves to look like you. Your smile is amazing...really. I could go on but then I would sound super creepy haha! Sorry to write a novel but I'm very passionate about finding self-worth and body image. And just think, while you're wishing for a bigger chest, I'm crying because it looks like I have rocks in tube socks. Thank goodness for amazing bras....

  4. Amy!!!! I haven't looked at your blog (or anyone's for that matter, not even mine) in forever! But it looks like I came back at the right time. First of all I second what linzi said. Most women would love to have your body, boobs and all! You are beautiful. But I know how hard it is to feel good about your body, especially after having kids. No matter how many people tell you you are beautiful, you have to believe it yourself. Maybe there's a book or something you could read??? If you find one, let me know. I should probably read it too. This post pregnancy body stuff SUCKS!!!!! In the meantime, believe brad. He is right

  5. I'm sorry you are feeling this way! I've just accepted plastic surgery cause I cannot get used to my post baby body. I have emotional breakdowns too, so many that Ghent doesn't even listen to them anymore. He's tired of hearing about it. If it's still bugging you in a couple years and you want a boob job maybe we can meet at some amazing plastic surgery center, make the guys take the kids for a week or 2 get an awesome hotel with lots of good movies, chocolates, new bras, food/room service and recover in style. haha I have another friend and my sis in law who will be joining us. You guys get the boob jobs I'll get the tummy tuck! ;) (I mean this more as a joke, it's so much cheaper to just accept who you are) You are one of those girls that are so gorgeous people don't even bother looking at your chest! ;)

  6. Oh yeah, I like your glasses! Big frames are in right now! And I also like your hair, just give the bangs a week or two to get over the "I just chopped my bangs" length. Bangs always look better a week or two later for some reason. Except for when you cut them yourself, like I did a few months ago. Mine still don't look good! ;)

  7. Go to cjane's blog and search for her body image posts and what she learned from her neighbor, Janna. Very helpful. You are not alone in not liking your physical self, but to many your size is the ideal. I am thinking of you!