Looking Inward

This year has been quite an eye-opener. There have been lots of highs and lots of lows. Having the stress and busyness of these three boys has really brought to light my weaknesses, my insecurities, my impatience. And it is tooooo much. I know I'm human, and perfection just isn't possible in this life. But you better believe I want to get as close as I possibly can. I need to be a better me to be the best mom and best wife I can be. 

Having said that, I need to work on me- me. Not Mommy-Amy or Wife-Amy. ME. I wouldn't say I've totally lost myself since being a mom, but it has changed me and I haven't really had a chance to take that in. I've been so busy with becoming a new mom, Brad's schooling at BYU-Idaho, Brad applying to grad school, becoming a mom again, Brad's grad school career, a surprise baby, adjusting to three little ones... where was my chance to breathe??? Who am I anymore? 

Realizing this, I've decided I need to look into myself. I need to not be afraid and bring to light all my issues and face them. Might have something to do with my random cry-fests that have been increasing the last few months... just maybe. So my journey begins! I have come up with several goals, and the list keeps growing longer. I'm focusing on a few, and moving on to others. Some of the things that I am working on:

- self-esteem. I have never had a very high opinion of myself and it has gotten even lower after having kids. Especially on my physical self. Ugh. More to come later... it's going to get personal....

- exercise/physical body. I started working out last year before Christmas and it felt awesome. And then the season got crazy and my baby got more awake and life caught up to me. So like a lame person, I stopped. Then I decided to pick it up again. And it was working. I did it in the morning with the boys. But then Jack was becoming mobile and thought Mommy doing silly moves on the floor (abs workout) was highly entertaining. So again I stopped. I am not happy with how out of shape I am so I am going to start exercising in the morning before the kids wake up. If not then, during Jack's nap. Just a quick work-out. It'll be at least something

- sleep. I don't get enough. I'm way too much of a night owl and my kids get up a little earlier than I would like (7ish for Jack, 7:30ish for the other two... not bad, I just like sleep!). So I am using Daylight Savings to my advantage and going to bed earlier and getting up earlier before my body adjusts to the time. It should work, right??

- spirituality. I was doing better with my scripture study, and I'm not doing bad now. I'm reading (mostly) every day and that is way better than what it used to be. Right now, I'll take what I can get with my busy (and tired) life but I'm hoping to increase it and read a General Conference talk a day

- patience. I am notorious for being impatient. It's quite an awful trait to have. Especially with young kids. I am trying really, really hard to relax and let things go. I can't believe how hard it is! There is such a fine balance of enforcing and relaxing as a mom! I feel like I'm doing better, but I still have some bad days. There is definite room for improvement, but I am grateful for the ground I've gained already. My impatience is very much tied to my next point, which I am a little hesitant to open up about...

- anxiety. There is a bit of a background story here, maybe I'll tell it later. I have anxiety. Like real anxiety. I hate it. I really hate it. Sometimes it feels like it rules my life and my way of thinking. I can't even begin to tell you what it feels like when I'm anxious. I feel like someone else. I try to calm myself down, but that doesn't always work. I have been contemplating going to the doctor to get on medication (I refused it before because I was scared it would change me). We'll see. I'm praying on that one.

There are more specific goals in each of those goals, but that's good for now. So... Why put this all on here? Why open myself up (because you better believe I feel super vulnerable right now)? Because I feel like I need to. I don't think I'm going to help anyone else. I feel like I need to share this facet on here. Maybe to hold myself accountable for all the things I want to work on. Sometimes when I am posting things, I feel like I am hiding. Like I'm not being myself by showing how imperfect I am. I like sharing what I'm thinking and not all of it will be tied to my goals. But a lot are. So why not share it all?

I want to be the best me and who I think I should be. I see myself a certain way and I'm not that girl all the time. The pessimist in me says you can't be 100% yourself all the time, because circumstances around you change, your body changes, etc. But the optimist in me tells me that I can be. I can be happy and fun and who I want to be ALL the time if I work on it. I'm choosing to believe the optimist and I'm going to make it happen. 


  1. First, you are so brave for writing this post. I can't even tell you how many times I have felt all of these things at one point since having Brinley.

    Since we moved, I have met such a gret group of girls which has really helped me feel more like my fun self. Even though we are chasing kids around, we laugh so hard and open up to each other when life is hard. For me, sharing my tough times helps me get through them. Do you have a group of ladies you do play groups with?? If not, I highly suggest it.

    You're amazing and I am so glad o keep in touch through blogs. Your boys love you so much. I heard someone say something on Sunday that really hit me. She was talking about the stress of being a mom to young kids and having a clean house and doing this and that for everyone, and she felt like she was slacking. A friend asked her if her kids are happy. She said, I hope so! And her friend said, if they are happy, that's all that matters. In the long run, Brinley and Ellie will remember if I played with them, or we went to the park, or the times we had fun, not if the carpet was vacuumed, or if the house was dirty. I'm still working on this one seeing as though I'm kind of a clean freak, but I'm trying to ease up on the demands of my house.

    And I'm totally taking your advice on reading a general conference talk each day. That would help me so much!

  2. I'll share my thoughts with you privately, but know that I read it, and can totally relate. I love you.

  3. Hang in there, friend. It sounds like you're taking a lot of positive steps to help yourself. I'm here for you! Impatience is a huge weakness of mine too, and so frustrating because we are the example to our children, and when I'm impatient, I cringe. Then when they act like me (impatiently), I cringe again and wonder how we can change as a family. I hope you find the peace you're looking for. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are your best allies.

  4. Thanks for sharing Amy. It's just nice to know someone else is struggling. I know I have, though mine are a little different than yours, since I was pregnant with Kaelyn. I just don't feel like me. I know I just need sleep, but it's tough with kids. Hopefully you can figure it out or maybe get an overnight, weekend, or more to yourself. I know that would help me. =)