Letting Go

Brad and I- Rexburg Temple- April 2008
Saturday. Day of organizing. I wish I could catch up from the move, but it feels like when I get two steps forward (and start celebrating), I realize I'm still three steps behind the next day. Someday it'll happen :) 

With the move and the constant organizing and throwing away, we've come across a lot of things we haven't seen in a while. Some are instantly thrown away, some get a few moments of contemplation before being thrown away, while the rest get put in a pile to (someday) be put away in its rightful place. I had this laundry basket full of things to put away that I finally got to today. Underneath a bunch of random items, there was a pile of papers. I found sweet cards to James or myself that I want to keep, random folders full of instructions and warranties, and then a big pile of papers with the word 'infertility' all over them. Packets, brochures, costs, folders, medical procedures, etc. All in regards to infertility. 

Infertility. One of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Why did I keep all these papers for all this time? Besides the fact that I have been known to be a bit of a pack rat, it is hard to just throw away what I struggled with for so long and I wanted to remember what we went through. Three years. Three years not knowing why we couldn't get pregnant. Wanting to be a mother so badly and feeling like everyone else was 'working' just fine and dandy and you weren't. Of having stupid insurance that didn't cover the costs (don't even get me started...). Finally getting awesome insurance and all the doctors/nurses have for you is 'We don't know'. So many tears just wanting, desperately wanting, a baby. Seeing those papers today brought all of this back- the pain, the yearning, the confusion. And I am sitting here, crying, out of gratitude. I feel so beyond blessed right now. To have the struggle over with. To have a Heavenly Father who heard our prayers and knew when it was right to send us our James (and our Gavin). To have an amazing husband who was strong for me when I couldn't deal with it. To have my two wonderful and perfect little boys who have made me a mother. I am just grateful.  

I am very open about our struggle with getting pregnant because I had so many people who were there for me and helped me so much that I want to be there for others. To let them know that it hurts, but your prayers will be answered. Someday, somehow, you will get a baby. Don't give up faith. 

After all is said and done, I am truly grateful for the role this trial had in our lives. I have learned so much and have grown so much. It tested my faith. And it almost won. But though my faith in myself was almost lost at times, my faith in my Heavenly Father wasn't. He let me know it would be okay, that my prayers would be answered. At the right time. 

That being said, (most of) those papers are in the trash pile. I don't need them. I remember just fine. It's time to let go.


  1. wow, that totally made me remember all those years and all that sadness. i remember when you told me you were pregnant with James, i was like, no way, i won't believe it till he's here. and now you have two. i'm so grateful to be their aunt and your sister. i don't know what i'd do without you guys :)

  2. Having gone through this myself, I know exactly what you mean. Infertility is definitely a hard battle and one that is hard to understand. I'm so glad that things worked out and you've given us two handsome nephews ;)

  3. Girl, I did not know at all! I guess I didn't know you before you had James. I can't even imagine those feelings but like any trial, it makes you stronger. You are such an amazing mom and I love you girl! Hope we can someday reconnect!!!!

  4. You totally made me cry! I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that answered all of our prayers - on behalf of you and Brad and Sam & Linzi. I love all of our grandchildren and am grateful for each of them and the love we share with them... can't wait to meet number seven! :)

  5. I know exactly how you feel... I'm glad everything worked out perfectly in the end! It always does, right? Sometimes, we just have to wait longer than we wanted to, but the outcome(s) is so worth the trial(s)!!